Every once in awhile one of those breaths escaped her. You know, the kind that’s uncontrolled after an authentic gut hurting cry. But these breaths, these breaths were trapped since January 25, 2019. If she wasn’t diligent, one would sneak past her from the sobbing churning in her soul.

The last week has been so hard for me. After 4 months of strict ketogenic eating, I was totally thrown off course, by one of my doctors telling me to modify my diet, for other reasons not related to my type 1 diabetes.

I’ve been in a tailspin ever since.

I also threw my hands up in frustration, because the fact is, I didn’t really feel better physically, eating keto.

With that being said, the real proof was on my glucose meter, as I continually had the steadiest blood sugar levels ever. No spikes and no drops.

After the first month, I had true peace of mind that I didn’t have to worry about having a hypo, and I could totally ease up looking at my continuous glucose monitor readings.

I was frustrated that I hadn’t gained the energy that I had heard many others boast about.

I still went back to the facts on the meter, because they were undeniable.

I started the keto diet as a way to regulate my levels, to avoid damage over the long run. Things like neuropathy, blindness, kidney failure, and amputation.

Before I embarked on the keto way of eating, I had already started having the beginning signs of neuropathy. This type of painful nerve damage was something I had watched my own mother suffer with for over 10 years. It even plagued her during her last days laying in a bed unconscious before she passed away. I knew it was something I never wanted to experience.

This morning I had blood tests done.

Tonight I got an email with the results.

In this moment I am so proud of me.

The most telling test for how well a diabetic is managing their disease is the A1C level. It basically tells you the average blood sugar level over the previous 3 months.

My A1C as of today is 5.8 which equates to an average blood sugar level of 120. That’s the high end of a NON-diabetic blood sugar. It is my new personal best and an amazing accomplishment!

A blood sugar level of 120 is one that is NOT damaging my body.

I’m proud. I’m so very PROUD!!!

I did this!

I kept my blood sugar level at an average of 120 a day consistently for the last 3 months! That is NOT easy to do!

I have been so dedicated and it paid off.

I’ve been SAVING MY OWN LIFE!

I have been doing the best I can to prolong my QUALITY of life.

I know it’s impossible for almost anyone to understand what this truly means, but I still want to shout it from the roof tops!

MY A1C IS 5.8!!!

I AM A WARRIOR!!!

I AM KICKING DIABETES’ ASS!!!

Tomorrow is a new Day ONE!

I’m starting an 8 week journey tomorrow.

I’m excited and petrified at the same time!

It feels scary because it involves more steps toward being true to myself.

I’m going to be learning more about taking care of myself outside of the physical part.

I’m going to be held accountable.

I am hopeful because I know I always give my best when I’m accountable to someone else.

I’m pretty sure this is going to be magical.

I’m driving home from prom… more later.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: I just came to see my mom!

Me: I have to do my writing.

Son: Okay, write about me!

Me: Write about you?

Son: Yeah. Write about me.

Me: Okay.

Perspective is everything.

We choose which side of things we want to see and where we want to place our focus.

I’m a problem solver.

I’ve learned that I’m so much happier when I focus on finding a solution rather than how I feel about the problem.

Yesterday I was angry.

Angry that once again a doctor was telling me I had to change my diet. More specifically, that I had to eliminate more foods.

It did not sit well with me.

After four months of diligently sticking to an eating plan, it felt like the rug was ripped out from underneath me, again.

Why did it feel that way?

Why was my reaction so emotion filled?

I got up today and told myself I wasn’t going to let this keep me down.

I knew I had to change my outlook if I didn’t want to remain in a place of misery.

I had to step outside myself to realize that I haven’t been myself for awhile now, due to my fixation on food and numbers.

I am a type 1 diabetic, which means I do need to pay attention to those things, but I was doing it to the point of expecting and pushing perfection.

I had become rigid, and in order to be so rigid, I had to ignore everything else in my life.

I have this thing about me, where I get hyper focused on one or two things. Those things become what I’m good at. I put everything that I am, into those things. That means that anything outside of those things gets dropped and forgotten.

My ketogenic diet is where all my energy has been going, which means I didn’t take well to having someone step in and mess with it.

Here’s the other thing… I’ve been so focused on the physical part of taking care of my body, that I left no room for the feeling part. The emotional and spiritual side of me had been dropped on the floor.

Now that I can clearly see this, I hope that I can let go of some rigidity, and find a balance that allows me to be more than the food I put in my body and numbers on a glucose monitor.

I hope I can nurture the other parts of who I am that have been neglected.

The lesser of two evils.

I’m just a girl standing at a crossroads.

This path right here, that I’ve been walking for several months, is full of fat, artificial sweeteners, dairy, and protein. Gone have been grains, starchy vegetables, sugar, legumes.

The other path is paved with low-fat, dairy-free, no artificial sweeteners, no caffeine, no chocolate. Do eat whole grains, high fiber vegetables, high fiber fruits, high fiber cereal, and protein.

The current path (ketogenic) is low carb and has given me the steadiest within range blood sugar levels I’ve ever had.

The other path is high carb and will make it impossible for me to avoid blood sugar spikes and drops. My levels will look like a roller coaster.

This other path is the one I’m now being told to follow for the next two weeks and possibly longer. I don’t even know how to automatically shift to the exact opposite way of eating. It makes no sense to me and triggers a worry of out of control blood sugar levels.

I know I’m probably being a bit black & white with this, but this is truly how it looks to me right now.

It’s exhausting having to think about food this much. The focus and decisions are mentally draining.

~ The Theme from TIME ~

Stand before me on the Sign of Infinity all you of the Earth.

With the granting of the “Law of Probenation”

comes the application of change.

I will give you the key.

And with this knowledge, please realize,

comes the responsibility of sharing it.

I will show you the way (it’s very simple).

Throughout the Universe there is order.

In the movement of the planets…in nature…

and in the functioning of the human mind.

A mind that is in its natural state of order

is in harmony with the Universe,

and such a mind is timeless.

Your life is an expression of your mind.

You are a creator of your own Universe,

for as a human being you are “free to will”

whatever state of being you desire through the use of your thoughts and words.

There is great Power there.

It can be a blessing or a curse.

It’s entirely up to you, for the quality of your life

is brought about by the quality of your thinking.

Think about that.

Thoughts produce actions.

See the pettiness and the envy and the greed and the fear

and all the other attitudes that cause you pain and discomfort.

Realize that the one thing you have absolute control over is your attitude.

See the effect that it has on those around you,

for each life is linked to all Life and your words carry with them chain reactions like a stone that has been thrown into a pond.

If your thinking is in order, your words will flow directly from the heart,

creating ripples of love.

If you truly want to change your world, my friends,

you must change your thinking.

Reason is your greatest tool.

It creates an atmosphere of understanding which leads to caring which is Love. Choose your words with care.

Go forth….with Love.

-David Soames

I’m just going to say it… I’m depressed.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had to say those words, but right now in this moment, that is my truth and I’m not ashamed to say so.

I’ve experienced it so many times, that it’s pretty easy for me to see, if I allow myself to look. It’s just an old friend that comes to visit every once in awhile. If I treat it like a friend instead of an enemy, it’s a bit easier to get through the time we have together.

I pretty much don’t want to see anyone right now. Or maybe I should say, I don’t want anyone to see me.

Is that about vanity and the fact I don’t feel like brushing my hair or putting on makeup? Maybe a little bit.

Mostly it’s about not wanting to talk and answer questions. It’s about not being a liar and being authentic. It’s about avoiding making other people feel awkward.

If you see me when I’m depressed and ask me how I am, my inclination is to tell you the truth. Most people really don’t want to hear the truth, or they are unsure how to react to the truth, when it’s not the positive generic response they were expecting and usually get when asking that question.

Here’s another thing… I don’t like to allow my negative mindset to impact others. I don’t like complaining. I like being the positive uplifting person, but I just can’t always be her.

In my husband’s words, “You don’t seem like your usual cherubic self.”

My response, “Yeah, that’s because I’m not.”

Why am I depressed?

I’m depressed because I’m sick and tired. That’s the simplest answer I can give.

Ultimately, it’s much more complex than that.

I’m frustrated about many things, which all stem back to my health.

I find it completely ridiculous that I’ve been working out for over 1 1/2 years and yet, I’m winded just walking up my stairs. My brain says that does not make sense. I should be able to do simple tasks like blow drying my hair without feeling like I just ran a marathon.

I drastically changed my diet almost 4 months ago and it has shown great success on my blood glucose monitor, with the most steady levels I’ve ever had. Spikes and drops in blood sugar are not happening anymore, ever.

I have been diligent and strict, only putting into my body those things that will maintain this tight control of fluctuations. My brain says that because of this I should feel amazing. My body isn’t suffering the effects of out of control blood sugar that looks like a roller coaster ride. Other people following this same way of eating shout from the rooftops how great they feel, and how pumped up their energy level is. I’ve been over here persevering and just waiting for that moment to hit… but it alludes me.

I have additional flags popping up showing that my body isn’t working properly in more areas.

I’m told to stop doing CrossFit until I have some medical tests done. A piece of me is initially relieved because it has been so difficult for me to do my workouts… I feel like I can’t breathe and my heart is going to pound out of my chest. The other part of me can’t stand not being allowed to walk into that gym and do the workout that I know will help me mentally feel like I accomplished something amazing that day. It’s now been about a month since I worked out. The longest break I’ve taken since I started my CrossFit journey.

I’m depressed.

I can accept that for a time.

I can accept it because I know I won’t stay depressed.

I’m actually the most hopeful depressed person I’ve ever known.

I know this is just a moment in time.

I know that things will shift.

I know that there are always adjustments in life.

I know that I’ll figure out how to jump this hurdle.

I know I am loved by many people.

I know that every struggle I encounter is for my benefit and growth.

I know that I have a purpose in life.

I know without a broken spirit I would never know how great a shining bursting spirit would feel.

I know I will be my cherubic self again.

Just not today.

Today, I feel like doing nothing. Yesterday I felt like doing nothing. I do what I absolutely have to do and outside of that, I only feel like sleeping. My body is constantly telling me to lay down and rest. I’m only able to fight it when there’s somewhere I need to be for my kids, or for work because I know the kids there need me to be there. In those moments I’m distracted enough to push through the fatigue. I’m focused… and then I come home and collapse.

If you’re reading this and you know me personally, don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I am a seasoned depressed person.

If you’re reading this and you resonate with some of the thoughts and feelings I shared, you might be depressed, too. Talk to someone about it. The best way to overcome darkness is to bring it into the light.