My mom died 327 days ago.
The truth is, it wasn’t the first time I lost her.
I was 13… it was the summer before 8th grade… I chose to leave her.

My brothers and I had spent some of the summer
with our extended family on a vacation in Colorado.
It was the freest I had been in a long time.
I was able to just be a girl and play.
Colorado was beautiful… breathtaking even.
For me, at that time in my life,
it was probably the most beautiful place I could have been.
While we were on vacation in Colorado,
my mom had moved to a new city with her boyfriend.
It was now time for us to return to be with her,
and our new home would be in this new place.
Moving was nothing new for us…
we had moved a lot.
For many reasons,
I was unhappy…
I was scared.

At the end of summer,
mom took us to visit our aunt.
It was a relief to me.
Before returning to our new home to start the school year,
mom took us to nearby Walnut Canyon to explore.
We hiked around the park for awhile and then stopped for a picnic.
It was mom, me, and two of my brothers…
one older and one younger.
As we were eating,
mom asked us a question,
“Do  you want to stay and live with your aunt for the school year?”
The boys said, “No.”
They wanted to stay with mom.
Next it was my turn to answer.
A 13 year old girl,
being asked if she wanted to leave her mother’s side…
why would a daughter choose to do this?
For a daughter,
her mom is the center of her life.
She learns and grows from what she sees from her mother.
She cherishes her.
She knows she is the most beautiful woman on the earth,
no one could ever compare.
She could never feel the intense love she has for her mom,
for anyone else.
Her mom is everything.
She has been her everything…
until she had to let her go.
That 13 year old girl said, “Yes.”
That 13 year old girl left her mom.
The one who gave her life.
The one she loved more than anyone in the world.
The one who had been her everything.
It was by her own choice.
That 13 year old girl would never be her mother’s again.
It was over.
It was the end.
It was the death of daughter and mother.
That 13 year old girl never saw a choice…

29 years later,
that now 42 year old girl,
would take care of her mother,
as she lay in a hospital bed,
unconscious and on a respirator.
She would fight for her and protect her.
She would make the decision to let her mom go…
for a second time.
She would be by her side 9 days later,
as she took her last breath.
She would cling to her…
tell her she loved her and she forgave her.
She would lay on her shoulder and cry…
tears that were full of 29 years of pain.
They took her away…
and again,
that 13 year old girl was left alone.