This is the continuation of my post Dark.
I will no longer keep this story locked inside of me. I share it to bring awareness.
What follows is the actual account of what happen on the dates and times indicated as recorded by me in a notebook the day I returned home. Please be aware it is sexually graphic. If you are under the age 18, I recommend you have the guidance of a parent, guardian, or mentor. Please also be aware that this story could be a trigger for those who have a history of sexual trauma. If you are a victim, you can find help through the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline.
November 11, 1999
11:31 am
I walked over to the cafeteria at 7:30 am and at the same time a man named George* (*name changed) who was also staying in the Aspen unit walked to the cafeteria. I was not walking with this man, I walked behind him, passed him and went into the food serving part of the cafeteria in front of him. There was another man in the line and the three of us spoke casually as we waited for our food, asking each other how we slept the previous night. As I was getting my juice I heard George say something like, “Hey baby.” I turned around and looked not sure if he was speaking to me or another woman that had entered to get something. I felt the comment was more targeted towards me due to the fact that this woman looked like a staff member because of her clothing and name tag. I didn’t think he would say something like that to her. I do believe she heard what he said because she turned around and looked at him. I did not respond to the comment. I just went and sat down at a table to eat my food. This man George followed me and sat down directly in front of me at the same table. I felt a little nervous considering the room was filled with empty tables and chairs; the seat he chose didn’t face the T.V. which was on or even a window he could look out. I was really the only thing in his line of sight directly in front of him. I tried to make light conversation but felt really uncomfortable and couldn’t think of much to say. George sat there and just stared directly at me. He didn’t look away, he didn’t eat his food, he just sat still staring at me for several minutes. I ate my food and pretended to watch T.V. more aware of his stare than anything else. His stare felt very deep and penetrating like he was drawing a picture in his mind of my face. I was frozen not sure how I could get up and move and not wanting to be rude, I just thought this man had some mental health problems of his own and I did not want to offend him by leaving. After sitting there for approximately ten minutes I noticed this man was gently moving his arms up and down in a back and forth motion, his arms were positioned straight down to his lap. At first I thought he was just feeling nervous or anxious and rocking back and forth. The entire time he did this he stared at me. He would do this motion with his arms just long enough to what seemed to bring him to a certain point of pleasure and then stop for a moment and then repeat it. His arms were angled in a way that his hands were definitely both in his lap, even though I could not see below the table and actually see his hands. He was making some occasional sounds of sighing or breathing pleasure. At one point he did stop abruptly and said something to me although I don’t know what it was. I just ignored him and looked at the T.V. and he started the motions again. Then I could see some other women through the window that were also from my unit coming into the cafeteria. I watched them with a longing look hoping they would come “save” me by sitting with me. By this time through realizing this man was masturbating in front of me I was frozen with fear and did not know what I was supposed to do. I watched the women as they got their food wishing they would just hurry up. Finally one of the women came and sat down by me. One of the other women went to sit at a table closer to the T.V. and told the woman who had just sat down by me to come over there so they could be closer to the T.V. The woman by me got up and when she did, I said, “I’ll come over there too.” and I got up and went over and sat with the three women. I sat in a place so my back was facing George so I wouldn’t have to see him anymore. I stayed with the women while they ate even though I was already finished because I didn’t want to be alone, I was afraid. After they were all done eating I walked back with them to the Aspen unit, when I got there I went to the nurses station and asked to speak to a nurse in private. A nurse came into my room with me and I told her what happen. She did say that she was sorry, that she had never heard of anything like this ever happening and that she would figure out how to talk to him about it without letting him know that I said anything. Then she left. Right after that one of the student doctors came and got me to meet with him just doing his regular assessment of my condition for which I was hospitalized. He asked how I was doing and I told him not so good because I had an incident in the cafeteria. He asked me what happen and I told him, he said he was really sorry that that happen to me (he was very sincere). He also made a comment that that was really “sick”. I finished telling him how I was feeling besides that and I let him know I wanted to go home because my brother was getting married the next day. He wrote down my information and said as soon as the doctor came in he would talk to him right away. I went back to my room and laid down on my bed and cried. I was really upset that this had happen to me when this place was supposed to be a place of “safety” for me and a place to help me feel better. I kept thinking back to other childhood situations of sexual upset and wondering why this had to happen to me. I felt like it wasn’t fair because I’ve been through counseling the last year and a half and dealt with sexual problems stemming from my childhood and now here I was experiencing an unpleasant sexual experience with a strange man in a place I was supposed to be safe. It brought back to mind the feelings of being afraid of being alone with a man and feeling like I have to hide because men who see me look at me purely sexually. I feel as if I will forever have this experience in my mind and images of this man George and this experience.
While I was crying in my room a nurse peeked in and saw me crying and came in to see how I was. This was a different nurse/or counselor than the first one. I told her what happen and she asked me how I felt and what I wanted to say while this incident was happening. I told her I wanted to say, “How dare you!” “You can’t do this to me!” and I told her I was just frozen with fear. After talking briefly my roommate asked if I could help her in the bathroom with her clothes. She had a broken shoulder so I helped her put her clothes on. After that the student doctor told me that Dr. Patino was there and ready to see me. I went in to see the doctor and he asked me what happen that day. I asked him if he was already aware of what happen in the cafeteria, he said, “Yes”. He told me that I needed to learn to stand up for myself and not let people walk on me. He told me that I was giving this man George power over me by letting it affect me in this way. Letting it upset me and make me sad and afraid. Then he asked me if I was suicidal and I told him no and I just wanted to go home and he told me he would release me to go home. After that I went to my room and waited to be discharged, called my husband to come get me. I packed my things filled out my paperwork for discharge and left. On my way home in the car I told my husband what had happen in the cafeteria, he was mad! As soon as I got home I called and left a message for my counselor to call me as soon as she could. After approximately twenty minutes she returned my call and I told her what happen in the cafeteria. I also told her about my following experiences white at the behavioral health center.
On November 10, 1999 I was in a group session that was held in the morning at 9:30 or 10:00 am. In this session called “Life___” (I can’t remember the full name) the counselor talked about communication and communicating what we really want. The counselor asked each of us to tell her two things that we really wanted. George who I spoke about earlier in the cafeteria was also in this group session. When the counselor asked us to tell two things that we really want George spoke up saying, “Sexual pleasure”. The counselor wrote this on the dry erase board and then discussed it. She said that this answer of “sexual pleasure” means “different things to different people. To some people it means wanting companionship, to some people it means intimacy, and to some people it might actually mean having sexual contact.” Then she asked George what he meant by “sexual pleasure” and he said he wanted “sexual contact”.
In a different group held on November 10, 1999 in the afternoon around 1:00 pm George also attended we were asked to talk about what had brought us into the hospital. I decided that I would talk because I felt that I was in this place (hospital) to get better and deal with my feelings. I felt that I should do whatever the counselors and doctors encouraged. So, I talked about how I felt sad and had a lot of deep hurt inside. The counselor and I spoke back and forth her asking me questions about feelings and different things and me answering the questions with true honesty and wanting to feel better. She asked me a question about if there was a specific time in my childhood where someone chose something instead of me. I immediately thought of something and told her about it while the group listened. I told her about when I was twelve years old and my mom told me that her boyfriend had told her that he was sexually attracted to me. I eventually was given the opportunity to go live with my aunt. I was very hurt by this, my mom chose the boyfriend that admitted he was sexually attracted to me and I had to make the decision to leave so that I could be safe. This is a story that the whole group listened to including George.
On November 10, 1999 in the evening I was also offered prescription drugs to help me sleep by another patient staying in the Aspen unit. I refused the drugs shocked that she even had it. Earlier I had made a comment in conversation with this woman that I was not sleeping well and very anxious. This same woman later told me she had given one of the other patients a pain pill for an injury she had. This woman told me that earlier when her daughter visited she brought her these medications. Later that same evening around 9:00 pm I was in the arts and crafts room with this same woman and one other man. After being in the craft room for about an hour the man became very sleepy, he was passing out while painting his project and I was very concerned for him. When this man began drifting in and out of sleep the woman who had offered me the medication earlier said, “I gave him what you didn’t want.”
On the night I was admitted to the behavior health center I was sitting in the day room watching T.V. feeling very uncomfortable in this new place where I didn’t know what to expect. While I was watching T.V. I saw a man go in my room, he stayed for approximately a minute and came back out. I wasn’t sure what to think except that I felt like I might not be safe. I worried about whether or not someone could just come in there in the night and attack me. When the nurse gave me the medication that evening I asked her if I was really safe in there. She told me that they put me in the room directly across from the nurses station for that reason and that I would be safe because they were right there. I told her about the man going into my room and she said that sometimes patients get confused or forget where their room is and that’s probably what happen.
Why would I share any of this story? It’s relevant for so many reasons.
First, just telling and admitting that I was in a dark place and had to admit myself to a facility due to suicidal thoughts… and that it wasn’t the first time. It’s a TRAGEDY how we hide our mental health issues… that we feel shame. Shame for being human.
Second, what I witnessed and experienced in this facility did nothing to facilitate my personal healing. After this happen I was determined to shed light on it so no one else would have to be put through a similar experience. I spoke with an attorney, I wrote letters, etc. and eventually I just didn’t have the energy to keep fighting.
Third, I visited a facility like this recently and everything came rushing back to me. I remembered everything. Again I felt how broken the system of mental health care is. These facilities throw everyone together no matter what their mental health issue is. Women and men staying in the same units. How can that be safe? Why is there not supervision in places like the cafeteria where these people from all walks of life are thrown together? Everyone being required to attend the same group therapy sessions even though their issues range anywhere from depression to drug addiction? I was preyed upon by a man in a place where I was supposed to be safe. He knew my sexual fears and experiences because I was forced to be in the same group counseling with him. As a patient in these facilities, your privileges hinge on your participation in these group sessions. Your participation is required for them to see that you are progressing so you can get eventually go back home. If you’re going to throw these people together in one pot then the least you can do is have someone present and aware at all times to protect them.
Fourth, the abuse I received while in this facility didn’t just come from George, it also came from the doctor who responded by chastising me for not standing up for myself. His first concern should have been my well-being after being put in that situation. Instead he agreed to let me out… so I couldn’t continue to tell what happen to me.
We are all touched by mental illness either personally, through a family member, or friend. Please don’t blindly trust that you or your loved one will be safe in all aspects at a behavioral health facility. The patients in these places are not well. They need someone to constantly advocate for them and make sure they are not just safe from harming themselves, but safe from those around them who are also seeking help.
Please share my story to bring awareness. These places can do better. My experience shows many flaws in the system. I know my experience cannot be an isolated incident… If you are feeling brave, please share yours.