Last year on this day, I shared this picture on social media.

Someone sent me a personal message saying that I dishonored my mom by sharing the picture. I immediately took it down and posted this status in it’s place:

“So, where did you and your family go this summer?”
We didn’t.

“How much money did you end up spending on new school clothes?”
We didn’t.

“Hey, let’s see your first day of school pics!”
We didn’t.

We didn’t…
go on a vacation.
go to amusement places.
go out to eat.
go visit family.
buy new school clothes.
buy new backpacks.
buy new shoes.
buy new lunch boxes.
buy new water bottles.
take a picture on the first day of school.

We did…
share hugs & kisses.
say, “I love you.”
take random pictures of silliness.
make our own lunch most days… including the youngest.
more chores than ever before.
wear the clothes we like and are comfortable in.
take time to take care of health.
spend a lot of money on medical supplies and medications.
get my anxious son to the first day of school with no breakdowns or tears…
GET MY ANXIOUS SON TO THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL WITH NO BREAKDOWNS OR TEARS!!!

My sons are my HEROES. They are doing it. They are figuring it out. They are learning how to get themselves through the rough spots. They are learning to appreciate that money doesn’t come easy. They are getting the concept of need vs want. They are appreciating what they have more. They are becoming more self-sufficient. They are expressing more thanks and gratefulness. They are pushing themselves to do what they know they have to do.

I am the PROUDEST MOM ON THE EARTH!

This was the BEST summer ever!

This was a VICTORIOUS first day of school!

I lied. I said I accomplished my mission… but I didn’t.

A few days ago, I finished writing my three part series on Jon Bellion. I shared my experiences with his music, making his Little Jon puppet, and giving it to him at the concert. As I wrote Part 3, I noticed there was something different about writing it. It wasn’t like writing the first two parts. This didn’t sit well with me. My mind wouldn’t let it go.

When I wrote Part 1, I was excited! It was fulfilling to write about my feelings, my beliefs and how Jon had inspired me.

In Part 2, I got to write about feeling inspired to do something for Jon. I touched on overcoming fear. I shared my creative process and making it work.

Part 3, was about physically giving Jon the gift. It was about getting validation for myself. It felt empty. It was a lot harder for me to write it. It didn’t flow easily.

What was the difference in writing the third part of the story?

Part 1, showed that we go through struggle. We can find comfort and understanding when someone is brave. Someone developing their talent and sharing it has a purpose. Realizing you may have some false beliefs and challenging them is important. You can accept and appreciate someone who might not share all of your beliefs or values. Worthwhile things can happen when you choose to broaden your view.

Part 2 said, it’s okay to follow your inner voice, even if it doesn’t seem like it flows with what society would do. Go for it, and try something that you’ve never done before. Embrace yourself and accept who you are.

Part 3, was written to show that I was able to accomplish my goal. I was validated in taking a chance. The fact that I felt that validation means I’m still struggling with doubt. The truth is, giving Jon something I made didn’t end up being the most important part. Everything that I did up to that point was about being authentic. I think something was lost in giving it to him. I know he liked it. I know he thought it was amazing… but I don’t think those are the things that really matter.

Handing it to him, being able to tell him he had inspired me, saying everything that I wrote in Part 1 to him, is what would have given it meaning. To tell him what he had inspired in me. I wanted this puppet to somehow speak and say all those things, but it couldn’t.

Sometimes we put everything we are into something, we think it will give us a result that we are seeking, but it doesn’t.

The giving of the puppet fell short. Why?

I let fear alter how I gave it. I had put effort and thought into the gift, but not the act of giving it. I let my focus change. In the end, it became about making sure the gift got into his hands with no regard as to why. I wanted to give some of myself to him. I don’t know if he actually received the deeper part of me that I gave. I don’t know if he got it mentally. How could he know?

Something else I realized, is that sometimes we want to give part of ourselves to someone but they don’t need or want it. They might not be capable of even seeing it. Giving isn’t supposed to be about us and what we want to give. Giving is about offering and then allowing the other person to receive what they want or need. Giving isn’t forcing what/who you are or what you have on someone else. Giving is about opening up your gifts to share with the world and then allowing the world to partake if they choose to. I always thought giving meant someone had to take what was offered. It doesn’t. Giving can be done without someone receiving it. Giving is about the act of genuinely offering something to someone because you care about them. It’s not about doing something for your own gain. Giving is not about getting validation for yourself.

Can you imagine how much peace would be in our world if we just focused on the giving? Truly gave with no expectation in return…

How does it feel to give? How does it feel to take? How often do we give and expect something in return? Why do we always expect something for ourselves? Receiving a gift shouldn’t require payment in return. When I truly give someone something, they don’t owe me anything. I don’t give someone something so I can hear the words, “thank you”. I don’t give someone something so that I can feel good about being a giver. I don’t give something so I can show people I’m a good person. To truly give, our focus needs to be on bettering the life of someone else. If you do it for any other reason, is it really giving?

There have been countless times in my life that I’ve given something to someone. I have had an expectation of what I should receive in return. I have thought people should think highly of me for giving the gift. In those instances, did I really give? Or was I just trying to take something for myself?

I go back to the question, “What was the difference in writing the third part of the story?”
I believe the difference was, that in the first two parts, I got to share genuine parts of myself and things that I believe in. The third part, left me telling a part of the story that didn’t feel that meaningful because I wasn’t really sharing or giving a part of myself.

Be genuine. Be authentic. Give those parts to the world without expectation of what you can get in return, and you will find true happiness.

With Warmth,
~Peggy

Tell me:
After reading Parts 1, 2, and 3…
Did you get a different feeling from each one?
What were the differences you felt?
Can you see the difference in giving freely vs. giving with an expectation?

You can post your thoughts in the comments or send me a direct email at lookthroughmeblog@gmail.com

Part 1 ~ Finding Jon

Part 2 ~ Little Jon

Jon Meets Little Jon

We got to the venue fifteen minutes before we had to be there. We waited outside in the 106° heat for 45 minutes. We were sweating and I was watching my blood glucose level shooting up. I started to have concerns about the insulin in my pump going bad. I decided I needed to talk to someone about getting inside where it was cool… and I needed more water. My friend and I were given the okay to go inside the restaurant area to wait for our VIP access.

While sitting and waiting, I wrote a quick note and pinned it inside the puppet. I had wanted to write a detailed letter to Jon expressing my thanks and reason for making him the puppet, but there just wasn’t time. I had to settle for short and sweet.

As we were sitting in the restaurant, I saw two of the Beautiful Mind musicians  come out to the bar to order some food or drinks. Mylon and Travis… I recognized them right away. I knew they were easy going guys. I took my concert poster to them and asked if they would sign it. As they were signing, I told them I had a gift for Jon that I had made. I told them it was unusual, but it was my way of showing Jon my gratitude for what his music had meant to me during a difficult time. I wasn’t sure when I would get a chance to give it to Jon, so I wanted to at least mention it to them. I asked if they wanted to see it. As I pulled the tissue paper off they leaned in and looked. The expressions on their faces and reactions were priceless for me. It was a moment of validation… that I had done something awesome. They were in disbelief and said Jon had received gifts before, but nothing like this. Mylon grabbed the bag and said he was taking it to Jon.

It was time to go in for the VIP Q&A session. We gathered around the stage with about 20-30 other people. Within a couple minutes, Jon and the band came out. I had wondered how I would feel when that moment came. Would I be totally star-struck and nervous? Would anxiety overtake me? For me, it ended up being a feeling of contentment… just being in that room. Yes, I hung on every word he said as he answered questions. I wanted to know everything there was to know. I wanted to deepen my understanding of this person. I wanted to feel that feeling of just hanging out with a friend and learning more about them. It was about respect and understanding. It was about feeling like he would understand me if he knew me. It was about having the opportunity to know someone who was essentially doing what I wanted to do. He was developing his talent and putting it out into the world for others to benefit from. He was brave in being willing to open himself to the world and not letting fear stop him. He was doing what he felt in the center of his being, he was meant to do. I wanted to know how he got to that place.

I raised my hand to ask a question. He pointed to me. “How do you stay focused? When you have a project you’re working on and you know you need to get it done, how do you stay on track?” He took a moment to really think about it. His answer was something I needed to hear.

When Jon was done answering my question, Mylon leaned up and said something to him and pointed to me. Jon looked at me and began talking about being blown away by what I made for him. He had someone bring it out from the back room. He had never received a gift like this one before. What I remember most about those moments, was the smile and laugh that came from him. Seeing him pull it out of the bag and play with it was… I don’t know… I just don’t have words for what I felt. To see that something I did, made this person happy meant so much to me. I had felt like he had given me so much through his music and I was able to reciprocate that. Now he was receiving part of me. It was a great moment. It was a moment of validation in following my heart even when others might not understand. I had the power to affect someone by being confident in the talent God had placed within me. I put myself in a vulnerable position. I knew people could have made fun of me, but I didn’t let that stop me. I just opened myself and let myself be who I was. Validation that I didn’t have to conform to what someone else thought was right or normal or expected. I was just being the me that God created and it felt good. I suppose in a way that makes this act a selfish one… but on the other hand,  it increased my vision of seeing what God has given me the power to do. It confirmed for me that God wants me to be brave so I can spread kindness and joy.

I imagine some people may think it’s strange to put energy into doing something for someone like Jon. He’s already getting attention and his popularity is growing.  Regardless of his success, I still see a person just like myself who needs to know someone is thinking about them from time to time. Not just about the great things they are doing… but about the person and the human needs they have. During the concert I turned to my friend and asked her, “I wonder what it’s like for him to do this part of it? All of this with the fans?” I was thinking to myself that he was just a person doing something he loved and in that process, these other things had now come with it. At the Q & A session he briefly mentioned he was sick. My heart went out to him and I thought about how he just had to keep going because he had people expecting him to be at each location and perform. I thought about how in doing this tour, he was having to perform to a certain level night after night. The energy required to put on that show was immense. I can see that from my naive eyes, even though I’ve never had to perform like that. This wasn’t just night after night of fun, it was work. I had a hope in my heart that in the midst of it, he was being able to take care of himself and get the rest his body needed to recover from each performance. His need for sincere care and compassion has not changed just because his music is being loved by people all over the world.

This whole experience is something that will remain in my treasured memories. My friend and I couldn’t stand on the front row during the concert next to the stage, our health wouldn’t permit it, but it didn’t matter. We had a fantastic adventure being on the back row of the bleachers where we could sit if we needed to. I was thankful to be with a friend that understood my health issues and was there for me. We stood, we danced, we sang, and we waved our arms in the air! All the activity caused my blood sugar to plummet, so I shoved glucose tablets in my mouth and chewed in between belting out lyrics! Even with having to deal with that… it was an incredible fulfilling experience for me.

Here’s the part where I have to tell you that I never took a picture of Little Jon after he was completed. I didn’t realize this until we were at the concert. I thought about hanging around when the concert was over to see if I could somehow talk to one of the band members and get one. Many thoughts went through my head. I knew these musicians had just given me an amazing concert. I knew Jon was sick. I didn’t want to disrespect them by asking for something for myself. It was also late, and I didn’t want to make my friend wait for me to possibly get a picture. I had to let the idea go. I had to remind myself that the creation of Little Jon wasn’t for me, but to bring joy to someone else… mission accomplished.

These next pictures are blurry, but they are all I have of him taking out Little Jon and showing him to the crowd.

Part 1 ~ Finding Jon

Little Jon

When I saw that Jon was starting a new tour and coming to Phoenix, there was no question that I had to go. I wanted to be in the same room with him to feel his energy and spirit. Would I get the same feeling in real life, about the person he was, as I did from the videos I had seen?

As the concert approached, I felt gratitude in my heart for what Jon’s music meant to me and what it had given me during a difficult chapter of my life. I had a desire to show my appreciation. How could I do this?  What could I do to sincerely show what it meant to me? How could I somehow let him know what he had done for me as an individual? How could this even be possible? It wasn’t like I had personal access to him and could tell him. Even if I could, my words could never adequately express what was in my head and heart.

Out of the blue, I had an image come to my mind. Jon was in his music studio, playing around with a puppet of himself singing his songs. I laughed thinking about it. I could make him a puppet! I had previously made two smaller puppets that kids and adults had instantly fallen in love with. Knowing this, and having some knowledge about the person Jon was and his playful heart, I figured he would love it. It was something that he couldn’t just get anywhere. It would be a unique one of a kind gift.

Wait. Yeah, it was a cool idea. It felt perfect and right in my head… but if I actually did it, people wouldn’t understand. They would probably assume I was a crazy obsessed fan. I mean, who randomly makes a puppet of a musician and gives it to them? People would wonder why. They would come to their own conclusions of my craziness, because it was something most people would never dare to do. It took a brave person. I reminded myself, it didn’t matter what other people thought. I asked myself if I thought I could even pull it off. I had previously only made the two smaller puppets and they didn’t resemble a specific person. I knew if I did it, it would have to be spot on. I would be sharing my talent and vision with him, which was the deepest form of gratitude. I try not to deny that inner voice telling me to do something. I knew the idea was in my head for a reason. I was not going to push it aside. I decided to be brave. I had five days until the concert. I told myself there was no pressure. I needed to allow myself to enjoy the process of creating it. I wanted this to be an uplifting experience for both of us. I wanted it to be about expression and being true to myself. If at some point it wasn’t coming together the way I envisioned, I gave myself permission to let go of it. This was a leap of just going for it, and not letting doubt stand in my way.

I spent some time researching. I decided I would make this puppet completely different than the previous ones. I would have to take the knowledge I found, and improvise. I started thinking about different aspects. What was most important in portraying him and making sure it resembled him? His hair was a key feature that had to be right. I found nothing that resembled it. I bought yarn that I felt was the right color with variations of brown. I didn’t know how, but I would figure out a way to make hair from it.

I made the hair. I was stoked about how realistic it looked and felt! It was time consuming, but it was perfection. I made hair for two days.

I now had two days left to construct the puppet. Next, I needed a skeletal structure. I studied pictures and I worked. I constructed the top half of the head from foam, creating my own pattern that had to be re-worked three times. Then the mouth plate and jaw. I made a pattern for the fleece skin that would cover the head. I sewed the fleece and it fit… but not as well as I would have liked. I realized most of it would be covered and I moved on. I sewed the mouth plate material. Nope. I ripped it out and came up with my own way to put it in.

Then facial features. They had to be precise. I ended up making three noses before I settled on one. Facial hair was a central component. The fake fur I bought was close, but not close enough in color to the hair I had made. I colored it. Eyes. They were so huge and buggy. I worked and reworked. Eyelashes. They were too long. I took scissors and started trimming, cringing inside because they were already attached and I would have to start over if I cut them too short. Ears. As I completed facial features I would just pin them on so I could move them and manipulate all the parts before anything was permanent. The surface of the face was too flat. The eyes needed to appear sunk in at least a little. I conquered each step as I approached it.

It was the day before the concert and nothing was attached yet. I hadn’t even started the body. I worked non-stop until 2:30 am only taking time to eat, use the bathroom and change out the infusion set to my insulin pump. Time was running out. I continued to tell myself it would be okay if I didn’t finish… but it wasn’t going to be because I hadn’t given it everything I had.

I slept for three hours and got up at 5:30 am the day of the concert. I gave myself till noon to finish.  I needed to leave for the concert at 2:30 pm and I had several other responsibilities that needed to be taken care of before I left. I still had the hair to sew on, I needed to attach his head to his body, and I needed to design a pattern and sew a shirt for Little Jon.

I finished at noon. There was one feature I hadn’t completed. I really didn’t want to leave it out. I had to push it back to be done later, if I had time after I had completed my other responsibilities.

I ran to the store to buy some dinner for my boys for that night. While I was there, I quickly looked for something I could use for that final touch. I found a couple of things, but they weren’t quite right. I would make one of them work.

The last thing I did, before running out the door for the concert, was make up the gold cross earring with the purple gem in the center. I sewed it to his ear. It was as close as I could get to matching the picture on his new album cover.

I didn’t have a specific plan on how I was going to give my creation to Jon. I just put him in a big gift bag and brought him along. I was content letting things play out however they would…

In Part 3, my hard work culminates in the giving of my gift… 

Finding Jon

I recently attended The Human Condition concert, with Jon Bellion and Beautiful Mind. It was a new experience for me. I’ve been to concerts before, I’ve just never gone as this person and allowed myself to just be. Connecting to the music and to the performers. Allowing my body to move… however it felt like moving. Letting the music penetrate me. There was something soul reaching about it. Singing along, taking that moment for myself to sing with Jon and feel what those words meant to my soul. It was a place of complete comfort. It was a perfect moment of just being. Contentment. Perfection so great that it wasn’t overwhelming… it just was.

The contentment of this night was a culmination of experiences, feelings, authenticity, and being true to myself. It started several months previous…

I came across a song of Jon’s on Facebook. The title caught my attention. I clicked and listened. I was intrigued by what I heard. My curiosity deepened. I heard lyrics about being let down and wanting to Run Wild.

The timing coincided with my own realization of spending my whole life trying to be everything that my mom wasn’t. That I had been rejecting, anything that resembled what she was within myself. It meant I conformed to what I thought the world, closest to me, perceived to be right. There was a line I had drawn in my mind and I worked hard to stay on the proper side of it. I thought it was a perfectly drawn line that existed in more than just my mind. I was determined to stay on the good side. I had to prove that I wasn’t my mom and that I was better than her. Being the human that I am, I would trip and fall over the line sometimes. Every once in awhile, I would just briefly stick a toe over the line… to allow myself a taste of something. I’d pull it back and continue walking where I was supposed to.

My realization, that I had been rejecting everything within myself that resembled my mom, led me to feeling like I now needed to allow myself room to breathe. To feel my whole self. Allow myself to discover the parts I had rejected… allow myself to essentially, Run Wild.

I went to Youtube. What else could I find by this musician? I found a documentary. Every artist in the band answered questions about each other and told their story of coming together. I instantly connected to these people who spoke so highly and praised one another’s talents and contributions. There was something special there. Each of them truly believed the talent of the other was above their own. They learned, respected, and lifted each other. I could feel the sincerity in the things they said. It wasn’t just a put on. It was real. It truly was a beautiful thing… the harmony, humility, and their belief in God. They gave credit to God for the gifts they had. It’s a rare thing to see in the world. It’s a rare thing to so openly talk about it.

I dove deeper. Finding more songs. Finding words in the songs that connected to me. Then it happen… I came across a song with the f-word in the title. Whoa. I don’t listen to songs with swear words. That crossed that line I had constructed, but was now redefining. I clicked it, listened, and looked up the lyrics. Words about faking feelings, being scared about putting yourself out there, taking down walls, life being staged, and time running out. Yeah, I totally related to these lyrics. Here I was in the midst of taking off my mask. I was facing the fact that time on this earth with my mom had ended. I was still mourning, the relationship we would never have.

I discovered videos of Jon creating his music. I was fascinated, watching and seeing his creative process and the fact he so openly shared how it was done. How the music was made using his mouth to make some of the sounds and recording them to replay and manipulate. Having the picture in his head as the music, sounds, and words came together. Playing with it all. It re-opened a desire I had, to learn how to play music so that I could put my words to it. I could understand the cleverness of the lyrics, how they intertwined with each other, and the deeper meaning or connection they had. I knew that feeling of putting words together that were meant to exist in unity. Most people won’t see that… they’ll listen and find the general meaning or rhythm, totally missing what’s below the surface, and move on to the next song.

Simple and Sweet. Ah, this quickly became a song I put on repeat. I felt it inside of me. When I listened I felt special. The sweet… it connected to the sweetness I saw in myself with my recent diagnosis of type 1 diabetes. I had sweetness running through my veins… literally. The sounds in the song made me feel light, bubbly, and floaty when life had been weighing on me so heavily. The simpleness of not having to get all made up to be beautiful. Just being beautiful as God created me without having to wear a mask. Permission to be me.

A new album was coming… it would be the first one he actually charged people for. Ah, he was a giver… a giver of his creations. He shared the gift that he openly gave credit to God for. This credit to God was mentioned throughout his music. Yeah, this aligned perfectly with what I knew in the depth of me to be true. I connected to the realism of him when he sang his songs. Like a laugh at a certain point in a song that said so much more to me than what the words were saying on their own. I pre-ordered the new album and couldn’t wait  to see what I would find there.

One of the songs talked about secrets, bones in closets, loyalty and still being loved even with all the flaws. I felt the acceptance and it resonated with what I felt in connection with my husband. He had stuck by me through all the craziness of my life and who I was. As we dated and got closer to marriage, I continued to reveal the damaged person I thought I was, making sure there was no secret untold, and he kept loving me. Through 23 years of marriage filled with my personal struggles and mistakes, he has continued loving me.

A song about Fashion. Just the title touched my love of sewing and creating. The words declaring the human desire to obtain more and more… never being satisfied… the selfishness that controls us and ultimately missing what’s really important.

Song after song…

Maybe IDK (I don’t know) all the answers in life. God gave us faith and grace because He intended for us to  have to learn and figure it out along the way. We’re not supposed to know everything. He is God, we are not. The Weight of the World is heavy and I don’t need to keep carrying it. I’m discovering The Good In Me and I’m not rejecting parts of me anymore. Being a robot. Knowing the act of numbing, existing, and just going through the motions to the next day to again avoid feeling anything. Having found that God is in control and my whole life is in the Hand of God.

This music, these lyrics, these creators have filled me with peace, understanding, connection, love, and courage.

Jon and all the artists that are part of this family have touched me, they have moved me. Discovering Jon and his music, was one of the catalysts for me to be brave and start writing and putting my honesty and authenticity out into the world…

In Part 2, discover my thoughts and what I did in preparation for the concert…