~ The Theme from TIME ~

Stand before me on the Sign of Infinity all you of the Earth.

With the granting of the “Law of Probenation”

comes the application of change.

I will give you the key.

And with this knowledge, please realize,

comes the responsibility of sharing it.

I will show you the way (it’s very simple).

Throughout the Universe there is order.

In the movement of the planets…in nature…

and in the functioning of the human mind.

A mind that is in its natural state of order

is in harmony with the Universe,

and such a mind is timeless.

Your life is an expression of your mind.

You are a creator of your own Universe,

for as a human being you are “free to will”

whatever state of being you desire through the use of your thoughts and words.

There is great Power there.

It can be a blessing or a curse.

It’s entirely up to you, for the quality of your life

is brought about by the quality of your thinking.

Think about that.

Thoughts produce actions.

See the pettiness and the envy and the greed and the fear

and all the other attitudes that cause you pain and discomfort.

Realize that the one thing you have absolute control over is your attitude.

See the effect that it has on those around you,

for each life is linked to all Life and your words carry with them chain reactions like a stone that has been thrown into a pond.

If your thinking is in order, your words will flow directly from the heart,

creating ripples of love.

If you truly want to change your world, my friends,

you must change your thinking.

Reason is your greatest tool.

It creates an atmosphere of understanding which leads to caring which is Love. Choose your words with care.

Go forth….with Love.

-David Soames

I’m just going to say it… I’m depressed.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had to say those words, but right now in this moment, that is my truth and I’m not ashamed to say so.

I’ve experienced it so many times, that it’s pretty easy for me to see, if I allow myself to look. It’s just an old friend that comes to visit every once in awhile. If I treat it like a friend instead of an enemy, it’s a bit easier to get through the time we have together.

I pretty much don’t want to see anyone right now. Or maybe I should say, I don’t want anyone to see me.

Is that about vanity and the fact I don’t feel like brushing my hair or putting on makeup? Maybe a little bit.

Mostly it’s about not wanting to talk and answer questions. It’s about not being a liar and being authentic. It’s about avoiding making other people feel awkward.

If you see me when I’m depressed and ask me how I am, my inclination is to tell you the truth. Most people really don’t want to hear the truth, or they are unsure how to react to the truth, when it’s not the positive generic response they were expecting and usually get when asking that question.

Here’s another thing… I don’t like to allow my negative mindset to impact others. I don’t like complaining. I like being the positive uplifting person, but I just can’t always be her.

In my husband’s words, “You don’t seem like your usual cherubic self.”

My response, “Yeah, that’s because I’m not.”

Why am I depressed?

I’m depressed because I’m sick and tired. That’s the simplest answer I can give.

Ultimately, it’s much more complex than that.

I’m frustrated about many things, which all stem back to my health.

I find it completely ridiculous that I’ve been working out for over 1 1/2 years and yet, I’m winded just walking up my stairs. My brain says that does not make sense. I should be able to do simple tasks like blow drying my hair without feeling like I just ran a marathon.

I drastically changed my diet almost 4 months ago and it has shown great success on my blood glucose monitor, with the most steady levels I’ve ever had. Spikes and drops in blood sugar are not happening anymore, ever.

I have been diligent and strict, only putting into my body those things that will maintain this tight control of fluctuations. My brain says that because of this I should feel amazing. My body isn’t suffering the effects of out of control blood sugar that looks like a roller coaster ride. Other people following this same way of eating shout from the rooftops how great they feel, and how pumped up their energy level is. I’ve been over here persevering and just waiting for that moment to hit… but it alludes me.

I have additional flags popping up showing that my body isn’t working properly in more areas.

I’m told to stop doing CrossFit until I have some medical tests done. A piece of me is initially relieved because it has been so difficult for me to do my workouts… I feel like I can’t breathe and my heart is going to pound out of my chest. The other part of me can’t stand not being allowed to walk into that gym and do the workout that I know will help me mentally feel like I accomplished something amazing that day. It’s now been about a month since I worked out. The longest break I’ve taken since I started my CrossFit journey.

I’m depressed.

I can accept that for a time.

I can accept it because I know I won’t stay depressed.

I’m actually the most hopeful depressed person I’ve ever known.

I know this is just a moment in time.

I know that things will shift.

I know that there are always adjustments in life.

I know that I’ll figure out how to jump this hurdle.

I know I am loved by many people.

I know that every struggle I encounter is for my benefit and growth.

I know that I have a purpose in life.

I know without a broken spirit I would never know how great a shining bursting spirit would feel.

I know I will be my cherubic self again.

Just not today.

Today, I feel like doing nothing. Yesterday I felt like doing nothing. I do what I absolutely have to do and outside of that, I only feel like sleeping. My body is constantly telling me to lay down and rest. I’m only able to fight it when there’s somewhere I need to be for my kids, or for work because I know the kids there need me to be there. In those moments I’m distracted enough to push through the fatigue. I’m focused… and then I come home and collapse.

If you’re reading this and you know me personally, don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I am a seasoned depressed person.

If you’re reading this and you resonate with some of the thoughts and feelings I shared, you might be depressed, too. Talk to someone about it. The best way to overcome darkness is to bring it into the light.

There are a few things I NEED to say.

1. Type 1 diabetics WILL DIE if they don’t inject insulin or infuse it with an insulin pump EVERYDAY.

2. There is NO CURE for type 1 diabetes. It doesn’t matter what you eat, you will not cure type 1 diabetes with diet. It’s IMPOSSIBLE.

3. Insulin is NOT a cure. It is only replacing what a type 1 diabetic’s body has stopped producing.

4. Type 1 diabetes is an AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE. The body’s own immune system is mistakenly attacking the pancreas and killing beta cells that produce insulin. Beta cells do NOT regenerate.

5. Being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes has nothing to do with what a person ate before they were diagnosed. SUGAR consumption does NOT cause type 1 diabetes.

6. A type 1 diabetic will have to inject or infuse insulin EVERYDAY… for the REST OF THEIR LIFE.

If you learned something new from these 6 facts, please share this blog post.

There are a lot of misconceptions and misunderstandings surrounding type 1 diabetes because the majority of information that you read about “diabetes” is actually referring to type 2 diabetes. Type 1 and type 2 share the name “diabetes”, but they are very different diseases.

Of all the people diagnosed with “diabetes”, 95% are type 2 and only 5% are type 1. This makes it easy to see why there is so much confusion, as society as a whole caters to the majority when disseminating information, but lack distinction between the two diseases.

Btw… type 2 diabetics actual produce A LOT of insulin… which is the exact OPPOSITE of what a type 1 diabetic’s body does.

I don’t know why I wait until the end of the day to write something.

There are days like today, where I have several thoughts and ideas of things to write about, but then I think maybe I will think of something better… so I wait. Then I end up here… tired and scrambling with no idea of what my ideas were earlier in the day.

The man got home last night after being out of town all week.

Needless to say, I was a little distracted and completely forgot to write!

So, in lieu of that, I bring you an early morning question from an 8 year old…

Hey mom, would you rather have a paper cut and jump into a pool of lemonade or have a toothpick under your toenail and kick a wall?

It’s been a long, uncomfortable, painful 24 hours.

Heartburn, acid reflux, GERD, etc. is not for sissies.

Trying to sleep while sitting up is a total no-go.

It makes me want to go on the “No Food Diet”. You know, that diet where you don’t eat anything at all because when you do, it just feels like it’s sticking in your throat?

I mean really, I’m actually considering asking someone to throat punch me in hopes that maybe it will help the food go down where it belongs.

It has played through my mind several times in recent months.

I’ve stood in classrooms, teacher lounges, gymnasiums, offices, etc. and heard the background chatter.

“The only way to get fired as a teacher in Arizona is to show up drunk.”

“I’m not worried about losing my job over x y and z, because there’s a teacher shortage.”

“SpEd teachers are hard to find in this state, my job is secure, it doesn’t really matter what I do.”

The offhanded remarks are endless.

I’m not saying this is the attitude of every teacher, but let’s be honest, when you believe your job is 100% secure, there’s a lot less motivation for some people to work hard.

If we as parents, don’t like our kids being taught by teachers who hold themselves to a low standard, then we need to support finding a way to pay quality teachers what they are worth.

As a side, wouldn’t you rather have teachers paid a salary they can live on rather than paying them so little that they have to get 2nd and 3rd jobs? No wonder they can’t put their heart into their teaching job anymore, they’re exhausted from trying to work every extra second they have just so they can survive and provide for their own families.

You get what you pay for.

I work in a high school… in Arizona.

Teachers across the state are ready to walk-out this Thursday.

I’ve heard a lot of people in support of our teachers, but others who are not.

It has caused me to think a lot about the idea of “walking-out”. Especially the claim that these teachers are walking out on the kids.

There are some parents that are pretty upset and heated.

To this I ask, how many parents have already walked-out on their own kids?

How many people walk-out on their marriages?

A teacher walking out of a classroom for a few days to stand up for themselves and what they believe they deserve… I don’t see this as a tragedy.

Everyday at my job I work with kids living in group homes.

Parents walking out on each other and their kids… that’s a tragedy and something worth getting upset over.

La la la… just jumping onto my blog site to write. Then something catches my eye…

What? Someone commented on one of my posts? Hmmm… I wonder who it was and what they said.

Wait a second… there isn’t just one comment, there are many, some of which happen like a couple weeks ago.

Interesting. How did I miss it?

I love that I missed it.

It means I wasn’t obsessing over how my writing might be being received.

It means people are thinking about what they are reading and it has some sort of impression on them.

I like this.

I like that I can have a conversation with someone when I don’t even know I’m having it.

I love that there is connection.

Did you read day 26? I’m not even supposed to be here writing anymore.

Here’s what happen on day 26…

It was a normal Friday. I went to work, took a nap, went out on a date with my husband.

I was in the car riding home from the movies and I glanced at the clock… 11:55 pm.

Oh no! I hadn’t written anything yet! Maybe I should quickly jump on my phone and type a few words to publish before it was too late!

Nope. I’m not doing that. I’ll figure it out tomorrow.

Here we are, at tomorrow. I could beat myself up over missing a day, and therefore breaking my goal and streak of writing every single day. What purpose would that serve?

Do I need to be so rigid that’s it’s either this or that? I do it perfect or not at all?

There was a time that I thought this was the way it should be. That’s not how I think anymore.

The me who writes these passages each day is perfectly imperfect.

I feel more pride in this person that is willing to embrace failure than the one who used to believe you do it perfectly or not at all.

If I focused on tearing myself down instead of embracing who I am, I would have completely missed this moment of brilliance.

Only a genius, would take a misstep of missing 1 day of writing, and turn it into 2 days from nothing.