I hate that song. I rarely use that word. I feel that it’s such a strong unforgiving word.

Songs can have deep anchors to memories. This song is probably one of my strongest anchors to a memory. The second I hear it, I turn it off. The feelings it brings up are so uncomfortable that if I’m caught off guard, it makes my eyes water. I feel pain in my chest.

I was standing in the hallway. My mom was there. She was embracing me. I had been crying. I was upset. She had just told me something that didn’t make sense to me. I didn’t understand what it meant. It scared me. It made me want to hide.

What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to act? What was I supposed to say? How was I supposed to respond? What was supposed to happen next?

She was holding me in a tight embrace. We were standing on the cold tile floor. I could smell the cabbage soup cooking on the stove. The song began to play. She started swaying back and forth to the music as she held me. She was trying to soothe me. Comfort me.

It didn’t make sense.

She was telling me things that a young girl shouldn’t hear. He was sexually attracted to me. It wasn’t just me. He had a daughter younger than me. She said that when his daughter sat on his lap, he would get a hard on… he was sexually aroused by her. I thought about how young she was. Maybe he had touched her in private places. Maybe he would touch me in private places. I was trapped.

She held me as she swayed to the music… and I cried. I wasn’t a baby who could be consoled by rocking… and neither was I an adult who could protect herself. I was a lost girl somewhere in the middle.

There was no safety to turn to.

The song ended and the embrace broke.

She put blankets out on the floor. She said she would stay with me. Soft music was playing. I wanted to feel protected by her. I needed to be protected by her. She laid down next to me. Eventually I went to sleep.

I woke. It was dark. No music. I rolled over. Mom was gone. She was supposed to stay with me. Protect me. She wasn’t there. Where was she? I heard noise. I got up. I walked toward her bedroom. I heard the noise clearer. The door was wide open. I saw them. She was supposed to be protecting me. She was with him. The same man who wanted to have sex with me.

“You could at least close the door!”

I slammed it.

I heard laughing.

I was furious. I was hurt. I was furious. Anger surged inside of me.

How could she do this? How could she be with him? He told her he was sexually attracted to me. She told me. I was hurting. I was gutted.

SHE’S SUPPOSED TO PROTECT ME!

I wretched.

I hate that song.

This story took place before Blue Tile and connects to the same man.

If you are a mom or dad in a relationship with someone who has admitted to you that they have sexual feelings towards one or more of your children, it is your job to protect them. This is not a situation that you can fix by telling your child. Telling your child is not going to keep this person from harming them. You cause harm to your own child when you tell them they are in danger and then you don’t remove the danger. You break a trust. Your child will feel unloved and unworthy of protection. Your child will feel like they did something wrong to deserve this treatment. Your child will feel trapped. Your child will feel dirty… but won’t know how to clean away the dirt. Please, even if you have a feeling that your boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife has any level of sexual or abusive feelings towards your child, do the right thing and remove this person from your home. If you are incapable of doing this, then remove your child to a safe environment where they can be properly cared for and protected.