I was 18. I would be graduating from high school in a few months… barely. I knew that the day was soon approaching that I would be done with high school and I would be considered an adult. It meant I was supposed to take a step in some direction. I was in love and thought that he would marry me and save me.
He was 26 when we met and I was 17. We had met six months earlier when my best friend had started dating his younger brother. We were introduced to each other one night at his house. He was kind. He talked to me. He asked me questions and he listened. I can still remember walking with him down the front walkway to my friend’s car and feeling happy inside.
The four of us started hanging out together. After not long, my friend and his brother stopped dating, but we continued to spend time together. From the beginning, it made no sense to me that he would want to spend time with me. I didn’t understand what he could possibly see in me. There was such a huge gap in our ages. He owned his own home, a boat, a car, and a truck. His life was well established. He worked hard. When he wasn’t working he would spend his time with me. It didn’t make sense… but it felt good that he wanted to be with me. I was young. I thought he was everything. It didn’t take long for me to envision being married to him. He would take care of me. I would have a safe place with someone who cared about me. He was my way out of my life.
I would stay the night at his house sometimes on the weekend. He let me drive his cool car, a restored Monte Carlo. We went on a couple of overnight trips. I thought I was his girl. Looking back, I can see that actually he was just my friend. Our relationship was about being together. He was there for me. He cared about my wellbeing because that’s the kind of person he was. He gave me attention that I needed. It’s as if he was just keeping watch over me. At the time, I assumed he had romantic feelings for me because it’s what I wanted. I don’t think he ever really felt that way about me.
When he told me he didn’t want to spend time together anymore, I was devastated. Suddenly I felt I had nowhere to go. I was lost again. I had no value. I had no purpose. I had no reason for living. I could see nothing in my future. Nothing.
It was evening. I was in my bedroom. I had a bottle of Tylenol. I began to put pills in my mouth one at a time and swallow them. This wasn’t the first time I had done this… but this time was different. I didn’t count the pills. I just kept swallowing them. When I was done, I laid down on my bed and cried until I didn’t feel anything anymore.
Morning came. My aunt came in to wake me. I was lethargic. She asked me if I took pills. I didn’t want to wake up. Tears wet my face.
There was no reason to pump my stomach. Too much time had passed. They made me drink something on a timed schedule to attempt to protect my liver from damage.
I laid in a hospital bed for days with CMT playing on the TV. I specifically remember watching *Billy Dean’s video Somewhere In My Broken Heart.
The doctor came in to talk to me the last day I was there. He told me it made no sense that I was still alive. He had no explanation for my body surviving what I had done. There was a teenager who had died just days before me that had less Tylenol in their system than I did. He told me that it was a miracle. He said that God had something important for me to do on this earth. That He had a purpose for keeping me here. He could not explain it any other way. He was solemn and deliberate with his words wanting to make sure I understood what he was saying.
That was 25 years ago. My aunt and uncle still live in the same town and cross paths with my doctor. When he sees them, he always wants to know what I’m doing and how I am. I suspect he’s watching to see how far God’s miracle will reach…
*This connection to Billy Dean and my memory of watching his video over and over again came full circle in November 2015. I will share that experience in an upcoming post.
If you are feeling lost or hopeless please reach out to someone. My situation is unique in that I survived my suicide attempt. Tylenol poisoning is a slow and painful way to die. Overdosing is not something to mess around with or to use as a cry for help. Please tell someone how you are feeling and what you are thinking so that you can get help and support. The hopelessness you feel will not last forever. You can and will find joy again. You are stronger than you think you are.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline
1-800-273-8255
This makes me so sad. A boy i taught in sunday school for almost 2 years, took his life this morning. I cant unserstand how he didnt know and feel the love so so many have for him, how heart broken his mom is, how sad i am, as are my kids. Hugs Peggy, help me understand..
I’m so sorry Steph. It is so hard to find understanding when something like this happens. What can I say that would make you understand? I’m not sure. Here’s what I know from my perspective… Someone who commits the act of taking their own life or attempting to is in a lot of emotional pain and they are not thinking clearly. There is a sickness within their brain. I don’t know why it is often easier for people on the outside to see the worth of someone than it is for them to see it in themselves. My faith in God’s plan for me and for each of His children is what helps me to work through the hard things that seem so unfair. He is in charge. It’s His plan. As much as we want to make our desires become the plan for someone, that’s just not how it works. For myself and as a parent, I have had to learn this. It’s so uncomfortable to see my boys struggle, but I have to remind myself that God has a purpose for each of our struggles. We may not every understand while we are walking this earth, what the reason is, but I believe there is a reason. Losing someone like this boy that so many people care about is tragic and heart wrenching. God’s plan is not easy and sometimes it’s so hard to accept. Shine a light on the good you saw in this boy. Learn what it was that troubled him so deeply. Then act in a way that would support others who have those same struggles. Be open and talk about your own struggles with your kids. Support and lift each other. Let your pain and loss drive you to serve another and make their walk better. Love you Steph. Hugs to you and your family. Everyone involved will be in my prayers. If you need a listening ear, please know I am here.