We all moved in together.
We liked him.
He was nice.
He drove a cool red Trans-Am with t-tops.
He earned good money.
I secretly had a crush on him.

It was a fancy town home.
The nicest place we had lived in a while.
It was inside a gated community.
I had felt safe there…

In the center was a terrarium.
It extended up through the top of the ceiling.
Vibrant green plants lived inside,
covered in a constant mist of wetness.

There was an office,
large living room,
and a kitchen.
Two bedrooms.
The master,
and the one I shared with my two brothers.

It had a swimming pool,
with a hot tub built into the side.
It was fun to go from the cold pool,
to the hot tub,
and back again.
We never had our own hot tub before.

Off the master bathroom was a sauna.
It was huge to my 12-year-old self.
Square room,
tiled in royal blue from floor to ceiling.
Shower heads protruded all around.
Built-in tile benches lined two walls.
My brothers and I thought it was cool.
We had our own sauna.
We are rich…
and special.

I wasn’t attending school.
I should have been in 7th grade.
My mom wasn’t home that day.
I had freedom to do whatever I wanted.
I was grown up.
Mom had just taught me how to shave my legs.
I was home alone.

I had gone swimming.
I now sat in the sauna,
wrapped in a towel.

I can still smell the hot rocks…
feel the fog that enveloped me.

He walked in,
wrapped in a towel.
He saw me sitting there.

We both knew,
how he felt about me.
I avoided him,
since the day she told me.

He walked to the shower head,
turned it on,
dropped his towel.

I felt his stare penetrate me…

I sat there…
paralyzed,
eyes fixed down,
blue tile.
I could not move.

He said nothing.
I said nothing.

I could not move.
I could do nothing.
He was bigger than me.
He was stronger than me.

Maybe he thought it was okay…
we all knew the truth now.
Maybe he was going to touch me.
Maybe he was going to do things to me.
Maybe he found out,
I secretly had a crush on him.
Maybe this was my fault.

I could not protect myself.
I had nowhere to go.
No place to hide.
Paralyzed.
I felt numb,
my body humming.
Eternity.
No one was coming to save me.

He’s gone,
I still can’t move.

Courage.
I got up…
each step was heavy…
get to safety.

I spent all of my teenage years and beyond into adulthood being scared of older men. It didn’t matter who the man was… if he got too close to me, I felt sick. It didn’t matter where I was… at church, the movies, on a park bench, at the mall, at a party… it didn’t matter where and it didn’t matter how many other people were around… I felt like that 12-year-old girl, paralyzed. I knew they were thinking about doing things to me.

It doesn’t take a physical touch to leave a mark.