I was a hider. We lived in our current home for over seven years before I really began to make friends. I kept myself closed off and didn’t allow myself to show. The anxiety I battled and my struggle with keeping my home clean kept me mentally in a place of shame. The idea of letting anyone down or of someone seeing my home in it’s constant chaotic disorganized state made me keep up a wall.

What if someone asked me to do something and I was too sick to follow through? I would let them down. The thought of that kept me from showing any talent or capability that I had. I mean, what if someone asked me to cook a dinner for a family in need and I became too sick myself to do it? What if I had one of my anxiety episodes and it took me down to that place of not functioning in the world? There’s no way I would take the responsibility  of saying I could do something for someone when I felt that my anxiety could hit at any moment it chose to. If I didn’t let them see me, they wouldn’t ask me to do something, and I couldn’t let them down. No one would have an expectation of me and that’s the way I preferred it.

I felt awkward at places like church on Sunday. Isn’t church supposed to be a place to feel comfort and love? Isn’t it supposed to be a place where you find others with common values and goals? You’d think it would be such an easy place to make friends. Not for me. I was painfully shy. I thought there was nothing of value that I could contribute to a discussion. I felt my place was at the back of the room where no one would notice me. I didn’t step outside of my little comfortable space. I was nice to people, but I didn’t go out of my way to make contact. I knew people and occasionally I would go to a home party or a church activity… but I never felt comfortable there. Every moment I was self conscious. I was worried that no one would like me and at the same time I was afraid someone would.

What if I made a friend? When you have friends, that means you do stuff together. That means they might even show up at your house to pick you up to go out, or they might expect that you would invite them over to hang out and watch a movie, or have a playdate with the kids. They might even want to lean on you and ask you to take care of their kids sometime when they needed to go to an appointment.

A friend gets to know you. Gradually, as you spend time together, you begin to learn things about each other. I didn’t like what there was inside me to discover. I had mental problems. The depression and the anxiety… they would think I was completely nuts. Who would want to remain friends with someone like that? What value did I have? What would be their reason for sticking around? The inside of me was way too ugly and once they saw that, they would run away.

If I had a friend and they passed through my front door, they would think I was a total mess. My house was a total mess. My house is a total mess. They would actually see within me and see I was flawed. Deeply flawed. They would think I was a total slob. They would think I don’t care about my family. They would think I wasn’t the kind of friend they wanted. Once they saw the mess inside, they would turn away. They wouldn’t understand how I could live that way. How could I live in the mess? Why didn’t I have each room perfectly decorated, the floor vacuumed, and things put away? Why was there stuff everywhere? They wouldn’t understand that all those things didn’t ever really have a place they were supposed to go. They wouldn’t understand that I didn’t know how to make a permanent place for them and keep them there. They would think there was something wrong with me. They wouldn’t want to be my friend.

I was a hider.

Somehow, about five years ago, I chose to start showing myself. As I faced my anxiety and learned how to overcome it, I began to be more confident that I could do things. My arsenal of weapons against the anxiety grew stronger… I grew stronger. I slowly began to have victories over the anxiety.
I learned to look it straight in the face.
I learned to call it what it was.
I learned to put it in its place.
I learned to remind myself that I had come through a panic attack before.
I learned to remind myself that I did have moments of joy and that I would have more.
I learned to pull the anxiety in and hug it.
I learned to embrace it and tell it that it was okay.
I learned all people feel anxious sometimes.
I learned that God gave us a range of feelings and emotions so that we could grow and learn from them.
I learned that the anxiety was fed by negative thoughts.
I learned that it was okay to feel the anxiety.
I learned that most of the time the anxiety came because of the perspective I was taking in looking at something.
I learned that I had the power to change my perspective.
I learned that life is not supposed to be easy.
I learned that as I came through those hard moments I became stronger.
I learned that I had value.
I learned that my experiences made me who I was.
I learned that deep compassion came from the things I had experienced and the struggles I faced.
I learned that if I took those experiences and shared them with others I didn’t feel so alone. I learned that I wasn’t the only one who knew what that feeling, of feeling so bad you wanted to just die, felt like.
I learned there were others struggling.
I learned that if I showed my love and compassion to those people it made them feel better and I could not keep myself from feeling better.
I learned that as I took the focus off myself and how I was feeling, I could be a strength to others.
I learned that God wanted me to show who I was.
I learned that He allowed me to suffer so that I could love and support others who are suffering.
I learned that I am beautiful inside.
I learned that I am loved by God and that He has a purpose for me.
I learned that I have great power within me to touch the world around me for the better.
I learned that I feel the greatest joy when I lift another.

I’m still learning.

I am here. I am open. There’s no more hiding. I am exposed. I am a million pieces of different experiences all weaved together into a breath taking masterpiece. Everything the Creator makes is perfect in His purpose.

You are not alone in your struggles. I know your struggles are real and not made up. I know they are hard. I know that they can be overwhelming. I know that sometimes you feel there is no hope. I know that you feel like things will never be better… that you will never be better. I promise you, if you’ll take just the tiniest step outside of where you feel comfortable, you will begin to change. You know where your place of comfort is. You know where you need to take the step. It just has to be a step toward something new or different. Do it. You can do it.

The broken place was so dark and lonely. There was a stench like wet rotting boards. I kept hammering nails into them trying to keep them up sheltering me. I thought it was safe there. I thought no one could hurt me there. I just sat in the old. I was just surviving. I was breathing in and out. Light could not come in. There was a haze of damp air that hovered around me. I was exhausted. Staying there consumed me and I was starving for light.

This new place that I’ve found… you’ve got to come and find it. Loosen your grip and open up your arms and you will find something beautiful. It takes time. There is no rush. One tiny step.