My greatest fear as a parent has always been that one of my children would take their own life. Having my own struggle with mental illness and my history of suicide attempt is what has driven that fear.
A couple of years ago, one of my boys was in a very difficult mental place. He was the lowest I had ever seen him. One evening, he told me some things that put me on high alert and I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I prayed and went to bed with a broken and worried heart.
The next morning I turned on my computer and pulled up my Facebook news feed. The first thing that came up was a video called, Sitting on the Bench: Thoughts on Suicide Prevention. It had just been released that morning. I watched it through blurry vision as tears welled in my eyes. I knew God was reaching out to me. In the video, Seth Adam Smith shared his story about his own suicide attempt and how his brother saved him. Recognition began to come over me and then I saw Seth’s brother, Sean, on the video. I knew Sean personally. He was a member of the leadership of my local church congregation and I worked directly with him as I was the leader of our church’s program for children. I immediately reached out to him through text and email. I shared with him what was going on with my son and that I knew God had guided me to him. He worked for the Anasazi Foundation which is an outdoor behavioral health program. Sean invited me to attend an information meeting at Anasazi Foundation that afternoon.
As I learned more about Anasazi I found other connections as well. In the last couple of years, I had read a book called Leadership and Self-Deception which had spoken to me on a deep level. One of my other sons had been assigned to read the book and had shared it with me. It was published by the Arbinger Institute. I then discovered that Anasazi was connected to the Arbinger Insitute and their philosophy was one in the same. Anasazi promoted a second book by the Arbinger Institute titled, Anatomy of Peace. The storyline basically followed what the Anasazi program was all about.
I knew that God was giving me the answer as to what we were supposed to do for our son. I didn’t know how we were going to make it happen, but I knew we had to find a way. Financially it would be a huge burden for our family. My son was also over the age of 18 which meant he had to consent to go, we couldn’t force him. My son had other health issues with asthma and allergies which I thought might prevent him from being cleared by his doctor to be on the wilderness trail for 7 weeks. There were so many obstacles. I never questioned what God wanted. I approached each obstacle and He gave me the strength to do what had to be done to overcome it. As a mother, it was the hardest thing I had ever had to do. It’s impossible for me to put into words the gut wrenching I had to overcome to push him out the door to go. To stand strong and not waiver. God gave me the strength to not crumble.
He went. He did it. Maybe someday he and I can come together to write about our experiences that were happening simultaneously in different places on the earth. For seven weeks I know God held our family in His hands. I will forever be grateful for the experiences we had. Almost 2 years later I see on a daily basis the effects of my son’s time in the wilderness. I know it forever changed his life. My son has a positive effect on my life on a daily basis because of the things he learned out there and because of the choices he now chooses to make.
There are no coincidences. I don’t believe it was luck that a specific video was released the morning after my desperate prayer. I don’t believe it was luck that Sean Smith was in my church family, having moved from Utah the previous year. It wasn’t luck that I already had a relationship developed with him because of each of our service to our church family. It wasn’t luck that I already had knowledge of the root philosophy of Anasazi through a book that my other son was assigned to read at school…
There’s one more twist to this story…
Almost a year after my son’s walk in the wilderness, we were invited to attend the annual Anasazi Scholarship Gala. The purpose of the gala, is to raise money to help families who have financial hardship, put a child through the program. We were one of those families that received financial help the previous year. The event includes an auction of donated specialty items, a dinner, recognition, and entertainment. One of the entertainers for this event held a special place in my own personal history of struggle with depression and suicide. I had once laid in a hospital bed watching CMT as I recovered from a suicide attempt, that should have ended my life. A video played over and over during my recovery… Somewhere in my Broken Heart by Billy Dean. Now, almost 25 years later, I sat in a room filled with hope for my own son’s future. Pictures flashed on a big screen of families being reunited, including my own. My breath caught and tears streamed down my cheek as Billy Dean stood in front of me and sang, Somewhere in my Broken Heart…
I knew God knew me.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, otherwise known as Mormons, have recently launched a website specifically for Suicide Prevention and Support. It is not specifically geared towards the church, but is a resource for anyone and everyone who is struggling with mental illness and needs support. There are 12 links on the site to other suicide prevention sites not affiliated with the church. If you are feeling hopeless, please go check out the site where you can find support and love. I know God knows you, just as he knows me.
This story was originally written on September 18, 2016.