As I continue to uncover pieces of my health I can’t help but wonder if it’s a result of keeping everything in for so long.

This last year of personal change since my mom passed away has been unique. To say that my mom’s passing has had a significant impact on my life would be an extreme understatement. So much change and growth has taken place. My willingness to look deeper inside myself and find what’s inside. The peeling away of layers of my mask that I’ve been wearing my whole life. Letting the hurt, scars and pain show on the outside. Letting stories be what they are. Letting go of being concerned about what people on the outside will think or say. Allowing complete freedom to be who I feel guided to be. Releasing bands of restriction.

How much damage have I done through the years by hoarding my story? Keeping it a secret. Keeping all of the secrets. There has always been this longing in me to put into words everything that has existed inside my mind… to let it go outside of myself. To just put it all out into the atmosphere and let it float and go where ever it decides it needs to go. I knew I wasn’t meant to keep it all to myself, but I did anyway. I let fear of judgement stop me. I can now see that denying that urge to let it go has potentially caused me a lot of self injury. Was it the catalyst for tipping that first domino that has lead to my body declaring war on itself? One domino after another has fallen… how many are left. Is it too late to stop them? Can I at least slow them down? Can I rebuild? Can I use my cascade of destruction to prevent someone else from setting their own endless flow in motion?

I feel more than ever the urgency to keep telling, sharing, dumping everything out of my mind. Let it all gush out regardless of what it looks like. Break free of all expectations of what the words should say or express… just let them fall where they do. Let go of trying to organize every thought or make it have some sense of order. Just let the memories fall out and cleanse my soul.

What will be left? What will there be room for once I clear out the space? How will it change my health? How will it affect my future? Where will my next steps lead?

I can feel the flood… the dam is cracking…